Sunday 11 March 2007

The answer is 'no'

The other day, while I was putting away some letters and cards I received in the past two years (yes, I keep lots of stuff and, yes, I'm very behind in my filing), I came across several envelopes containing hand-painted cards, a few pebbles and bits of driftwood. They were sent to me last Christmas by the guy who was the Art Master at the school in Tewkesbury where I was the ‘French Madamoiselle’ in 1969-70.

David was a lovely, eccentric artist. At the time, he was having an intense affair with the PE mistress – a buxom girl called Sue, who became my best friend there. I used to tag along, when my presence wasn’t an intrusion, and sometimes even when it was beginning to be (it was the late ‘60s, LOL!). We used to listen to music and have impromptu parties. David had a Mini, which he drove like a madman. We went to the Cheltenham Film Club to see – oh, how bohemian! – foreign films (England was so insular then). David wasn’t just an artist, he was also a wonderful photographer – he took the one photograph of me I don’t mind looking at. He was friendly, fun and kind, and I was very sorry when I left and lost touch with him and Sue a couple of years later (they didn’t get married, by the way).

Fast forward 32 years and in a fit of nostalgia I register with Friends Reunited to see if any of my old ‘pupils’ are still around, and before I know it I receive an email from David. He has been married for years and years, has two grown-up daughters and is still teaching, painting and taking photographs. He wants to meet me; wants to come down to London and stay with me; wants to take me to an exhibition... Hey, slow down, it's all going a bit too fast. We exchange a couple more emails and he says all the wrong things. I can’t quite put my finger on why they’re wrong, they just are, and I know we wouldn’t get on. He calls one evening and again says things that make my hackles rise. I decide I don't want to pursue the relationship any further. I find some excuse for not responding to his emails. I feel angry and disappointed: he has spoiled the sweet memories I have of my year in Tewkesbury. I would have got the message. He didn’t. Since then I’ve received masses of letters and cards and odd objets trouvĂ©s (he lives by the sea).

What saddens me is that it’s not impossible to renew old friendships: I am in touch with a few people I used to know 30 years ago and who weren’t part of my life for many years in between. When I found them again (or they found me), we picked up where we’d left off. It’s a fantastic feeling – there’s nothing like old friends – but it doesn’t work every time and one has to acknowledge it.


I curse the day I came across Friends Reunited – I gather it has a lot of broken marriages, and even some deaths, on its conscience – and I’m slapping people who behave like stalkers and refuse to recognize when they’re unwanted (yes, I’m talking about you too, S).

10 comments:

  1. Thanks for your comment, Anonymous. You made some good points. Give me your name and I will publish it. I don't accept anonymous comments.

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  2. I've experienced this recently with someone who I knew at school. I have very unhappy memories of school and hence have resisted the whole Friends Reunited craze but somehow this girl found me and as she was someone who had been pretty OK at school, I replied. She has turned into someone whose life is entirely focused on her (4) children and I just have nothing in common with her at all. I've tried to let the correspondence slide which I feel very guilty about but I have no idea what to say to her.

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  3. It sounds to me as if you caught him at a time when he was dissatisfied with his current life and how it had turned out, and saw you as a way to turn back the clock.

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  4. GSE, I don't think you should feel guilty about not wanting to pursue the relationship with your 'old friend'. Do we have an obligation to get on with people who have nothing in common with us? Family members are bad enough - we can't choose them - but everyone else we should be allowed to hang on to or drop. I'm sure you'll find a kind way to discourage the woman. I hope she turns out to be less persistent than some of my self-appointed 'friends'.

    That's quite possible, L, but I was the wrong person to latch on to: as I recall, I wasn't terribly happy either at that point. I too was disappointed when I realised David and I couldn't be friends any longer, but I couldn't put up with him just for his sake. I don't think we should feel eternally obligated towards people we 'used to know'. On a related note, dropping people who haven't shown us any kindness at any time should also be allowed. Giving basically nasty people the benefit of the doubt is one thing; being taken for a mug is another.

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  5. Oh, I didn't mean you should have put up with him. It's also possible he always fancied you, but was with that Sue at the time so never let on, and thought now was his chance. I'm sure, if you felt some of his communications were inappropriate, then they were - one's instinct is usuallly right.

    I have dropped two good friends in my life. One was my schoolfriend, one of the few Indian girls at my school, and for 20 years our cultural differences only enhanced our friendship, but then she had an arranged marriage, two children and became a Jehovah's witness. I think the latter did the most damage as she always found a way to work the conversation around to God, and I can' t be doing with that. The second is a university friend and i'm not sure quite what went wrong.

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  6. Well, if he did all those years ago, I certainly never sensed it, but, you may be right, he may have been unhappy in his marriage when he contacted me.

    Moving countries isn't very good either, when it comes to staying in touch with old friends. It's easier these days with email.

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  7. I've heard that FR is responsible for marriage breakdownd et al but I reckon you join out of curiosity, to boast about how well you've done or to plug some hole in your sad life.
    Obviously your man was an example of the third but it's a shame he's ruined your happy memories....
    Angela

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  8. A, reading your comment I had to think again about what why I had joined (I know your 'you' didn't mean me, but still): since I haven't particularly succeeded in life (I'm much worse off than I was 30 years ago) I have nothing to boast about. I was just curious to find out how all those kids I had talked French to (they weren't terribly interested in what I had to say, but they were so cute) had turned out. I'm beginning to believe that David's marriage was in trouble at that point.

    I am slowly regaining control of the 'good' memories I had of Tewkesbury; eventually, the latest 'bad' memories will be eradicated. I hope so, anyway.

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  9. Sorry, I should have said "people" not "you"
    I joined out of curiosity but I found I didn't recognise any of the names on my high school list.

    I used to share a flat with the French Assistant when I was teaching. I am sorry I lost touch with her..
    Angela

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  10. A, I think you should have stayed in touch with your 'French Assistante'? She might be wondering what you're doing, at this very moment. LOL!

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